WELLNESS

Deserving Love: Relationships, Self-Worth and Heartache

I’ve heard others speak about the concept of whether or not one feels they deserve the things they desire. I’ll use the law of attraction as example. Let’s say I want to attract a friend into my life. I can focus on this desire with gratitude and get myself out there to try to meet new people but if I feel I don’t deserve it, that’ll start to fuck with things a bit.

Whenever I ran into the idea of feeling like I “deserve”, I just brushed it off. I would hear it, check in with myself to see if it applied to me, and then just decide that it didn’t. “Of course I deserve it”, I’d convince myself. Then I’d let it go- which, considering letting things go is a massive challenge for me, it peeves me that this is seemingly one of the only things that the Law of Not Letting Go doesn’t apply to for me. I’ll be straight with you, I discovered that I actually don’t feel I deserve a lot of the things I desire, but there’s one in particular. And it’s the big one.

I don’t feel I deserve to be loved.

I was recently 50% of what I subscribed to calling “a growing experience” with a friend. I felt that I gave a whole lot more than I received in this relationship and it hurt. I was angry with my friend for being such a bad fucking friend, obvs. After sitting with that anger, I realized I was probably even more angry with myself. This is what this period looked like in my head:

“Why the fuck do I care so much? I shouldn’t be so hurt because I never should have given them the responsibility of giving me love and support in the first place. It was unfair of me to expect that I was worth loving. I don’t necessarily deserve love and support so I don’t have a reason to be feeling so much. I’m so embarrassed. I feel crazy. I look like an idiot. Holy shit why am I making so much noise. Okay. Breathe. Everything is going to be okay. Quick, let’s search Pinterest for far away places where I can just  e s c a p e”.

And I did, I now have a secret board on Pinterest called “I’m Moving”.

I didn’t realize that I felt shame for wanting love because I didn’t feel I was worthy of it.

Well, shit. Okay… how do I move on from here? What’s next? Because, hello! All I basically talk about is loving yourself and if i’m not doing that… well that just makes me a hypocrite, doesn’t it.

Things suddenly got a whole lot deeper and my reality shifted. I know that the first step is to make space for this new understanding and for the emotions that come with it. So, I’ll do that.

This is frustrating to deal with because in theory, I know I deserve it, but I don’t feel l deserve it. As someone who doesn’t like to wait too long for anything, this sparks anxious feelings within me because I know that a quick fix just simply does not apply here. I’ll have to work on self-worth first.

The self-worth journey is a long and fruitful one and I suppose it’s something we humans will always be challenged with as long as we have even an ounce of empathy in our emotional makeup. That’s also why we all need connection and community. We need each other- to have and to hold. And baby, that’s why I’m here, spilling my heart out. I’m here to hold us and to remind you that you are so damn worthy.